She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize