John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize