Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
