I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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