I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
