Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
