why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
