The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
