Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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