he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
