Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
