May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
