I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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