Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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