I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish I could punch you in the face.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize