At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
