the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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