Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
