I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
