I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Still dying that you shit outside
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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