alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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