He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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