I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
