I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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