You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I am spending my child support on dildos
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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