No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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