And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
