ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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