i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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