ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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