i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
