I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
