you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
