I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
