All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
