A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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