Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
