Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So squirting runs in the family.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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