he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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