peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
