I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
