My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
