Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize