oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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