two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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