The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
then he tried to convert me to islam
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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