I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
