I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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