My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
