I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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