There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
