our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
