so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
