I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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