Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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